I wonder.

"I really enjoy spending time with you, even if we're just going to be sitting around and talking about nothing. There are a million things I love about you, like your nose or the way you smile, the way you look me in the eye, too. And I just get the greatest feeling when I make you laugh. I feel as if my company makes you happy, and that's what I wish for you. For you to be happy. And when I see you laugh at my clumsy ways, it just makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you so I can see a smile on your face.You've given me reasons to smile, and good times to laugh about, but most of all you've given me memories I could never forget. I just want to hold your hand, and maybe listen to stories about your childhood, or what you think of at the end of the day when you're all alone in bed. I am just happy near you."

It would never be the same again.

“I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are."

(idareyoutoclickthis.tumblr.com)

Oh why do I always appear at the wrong time? Each and every time.
I wonder.

Sigh.

Feeling.. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

This time, I'm really, really, just gonna leave the pieces there.
No more picking them up.

Breakdown.

Oh God it hurts. It hurts. So. So. Much.

It hurts when I'm with you. It hurts when I'm not with you.
Things that you do that hurt me.
It hurts so much more just because I can't say it out.
I have to just swallow it and move on.
Yet it is not your fault, as you do not know because I couldn't tell.
And I always had to act like everything is fine.
I wish I could tell, so you could understand my actions.
But I can't. I just, can't. It's not hard to tell you.
But that's the reason why it's so hard keeping it from you.
From what other people see, I shouldn't be hurt by the things you do, considering my position.
But nobody knows what is really going on inside.
The things I wish I could tell you.
From an outsider's view, I would just look like a fool, getting upset and emo suddenly, over nothing.
The secrets inside of me, feels like being stuffed into a cage that doesn't even fit. It's suffocating. Yearning for them to come out, with all my heart.
And even if it manages to come out, it cannot find it's rightful owner.
I'm tired of fighting with myself. There will be no winner, only endless fighting and struggling.
The sorrow that I feel, it's getting too much. It keeps on increasing.
It's affecting my life. Everything in my life.
I don't want to feel sad when I go to bed every night.
I don't want to cry when I'm alone, at night, on my bed, anymore. I'm not afraid to admit that I do, I do, because I love you.
I want to keep a distance from you because I know I might get hurt, but I can't, because I've fallen for you.
It's been broken time and time again. Into so many pieces.
Maybe I shouldn't pick up the pieces and hand it to another person anymore.
Maybe I should just leave the pieces there, and move on, with nothing anymore in my hands.
Then I wouldn't have anything anymore to give.
I do not mind posting this, because I don't wanna keep it all inside anymore.
I don't care what others will say or think about this anymore.
I don't want to hide my feelings anymore.

- 2 Corinthians 6:14 -
Sigh.

God. It really, really hurts.

Wrong.

I always happen to end up appearing at the wrong time. Sigh.

The pain is still there, with or without you.

He..

He loves me.
He heals me, on the inside and outside.
He protects me.
He watches over me.
He saved me.
He died for me.
He guides and helps me in my everyday life, in everything I do.
He helps me in my studies.
He gives me comfort when I'm down.
He gives me peace and surpasses all understanding.
He gives me wisdom to overcome all the problems I encounter.
He teaches me the right things to do.
He's with me wherever I go.
He provides for all my needs.
He is my strength and courage.
He gives me grace sufficient for every day.
He blesses me so much, that if I had one cent for every blessing I received, I would be a billionaire by now.
He has given me eternal life through the death and resurrection of Jesus.
..

-----------------------------------------------------------

And the list goes on..

Thanks to Him, everything's good :)

God can do all these things for you too.
He's just waiting at your door, waiting for you to open the door for him to enter in.

So if you're asking me, why am I sharing Jesus to you? Why don't you just keep all of it for yourself?
The answer is simple, even you know it.

Good things must be shared!

So, will you make your choice today? :)

Obedience.

So not easy to be obedient to God.
Choices, choices..
In the end, I chose God.
Breaks my heart to do so though.
And here I thought I finally found it, after all the past experiences..
With all my heart I want to go forward, but I guess it's against God's will?
And this time it's myself that chose to break my own heart, to follow God.
To distance myself from these feelings and .. Sigh.

-------------------------------

I can only hope and pray that in the future, God will make a way..
To do things that I can't even imagine.
For He knows best.

-------------------------------

This sacrifice is made, through obedience, to You.

After so many heartaches, it still hurts as much as it did the first time.

Wait.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

---------------

An old song.

Look. Live. Learn. Love.

I want to look to Jesus.
I want to live a life full of God.
I want to learn more and more about You.
I want to love, just like how You love me.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15: 13

...

Could you help me to do that, God, pretty please?

"In patience I shall wait, upon You, and you."

Two Zero One Zero.

Year 2010.
Resolution?

To not have any resolutions.

Don't see the point of having resolutions. 'Cos it's always better to improve and make one or few targets every day instead of making one long list of stuff you'll probably break and not do for the rest of the year.

--------------------

Learned something today, or rather, for the past year.

That I'm not good enough.
I try, but in vain.
Time, energy, effort, tears, prayers.
Waste of effort, I'll say.

--------------------

Throughout the previous year:

The backup guy.
Unappreciated.

People come find me only when shit happens :)
Or when they need something done.

Despite everything I do, it still seems like I'm a disgrace to be mentioned.
Compared to people to who do nothing :)

People keep saying I don't understand.
Well, don't tell me anything if you think I won't understand.
Don't tell me anything if you think I can't help in any way.
It's even better for me, 'cos that leaves me with more free brain space to deal with my own problems, a very big thank you.
And don't say you understand when you still do things that a person that doesn't understand does, because that's the same as not understanding at all.

--------------------

On the spiritual side,
I wouldn't say anything about first half of the year.
It's easy to serve and do things for God when you're all fired up for God after a church camp.
To be able to serve God, the same way, when you're feeling dry and low, is the real test.
The second half of the year's been a time of testing, I'll say.
It wasn't a smooth road all the way. There were bumps and potholes.
However, God has been a good teacher.
All the things I've went through taught me many valuable lessons :)
And of course, for the many small and seemingly insignificant blessings throughout the year that I've ignored or missed out on, thank you God :)

--------------------

2010.

All I can do is I pray that it would a good year.
Don't attempt to be 'good enough'.
Never expect anything from other people or hope in another person, 'cos I'll have my hopes dashed every time I do so.

Mmmmmm, 2010 :)