Breakdown.

Oh God it hurts. It hurts. So. So. Much.

It hurts when I'm with you. It hurts when I'm not with you.
Things that you do that hurt me.
It hurts so much more just because I can't say it out.
I have to just swallow it and move on.
Yet it is not your fault, as you do not know because I couldn't tell.
And I always had to act like everything is fine.
I wish I could tell, so you could understand my actions.
But I can't. I just, can't. It's not hard to tell you.
But that's the reason why it's so hard keeping it from you.
From what other people see, I shouldn't be hurt by the things you do, considering my position.
But nobody knows what is really going on inside.
The things I wish I could tell you.
From an outsider's view, I would just look like a fool, getting upset and emo suddenly, over nothing.
The secrets inside of me, feels like being stuffed into a cage that doesn't even fit. It's suffocating. Yearning for them to come out, with all my heart.
And even if it manages to come out, it cannot find it's rightful owner.
I'm tired of fighting with myself. There will be no winner, only endless fighting and struggling.
The sorrow that I feel, it's getting too much. It keeps on increasing.
It's affecting my life. Everything in my life.
I don't want to feel sad when I go to bed every night.
I don't want to cry when I'm alone, at night, on my bed, anymore. I'm not afraid to admit that I do, I do, because I love you.
I want to keep a distance from you because I know I might get hurt, but I can't, because I've fallen for you.
It's been broken time and time again. Into so many pieces.
Maybe I shouldn't pick up the pieces and hand it to another person anymore.
Maybe I should just leave the pieces there, and move on, with nothing anymore in my hands.
Then I wouldn't have anything anymore to give.
I do not mind posting this, because I don't wanna keep it all inside anymore.
I don't care what others will say or think about this anymore.
I don't want to hide my feelings anymore.

- 2 Corinthians 6:14 -
Sigh.

God. It really, really hurts.

Wrong.

I always happen to end up appearing at the wrong time. Sigh.

The pain is still there, with or without you.

He..

He loves me.
He heals me, on the inside and outside.
He protects me.
He watches over me.
He saved me.
He died for me.
He guides and helps me in my everyday life, in everything I do.
He helps me in my studies.
He gives me comfort when I'm down.
He gives me peace and surpasses all understanding.
He gives me wisdom to overcome all the problems I encounter.
He teaches me the right things to do.
He's with me wherever I go.
He provides for all my needs.
He is my strength and courage.
He gives me grace sufficient for every day.
He blesses me so much, that if I had one cent for every blessing I received, I would be a billionaire by now.
He has given me eternal life through the death and resurrection of Jesus.
..

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And the list goes on..

Thanks to Him, everything's good :)

God can do all these things for you too.
He's just waiting at your door, waiting for you to open the door for him to enter in.

So if you're asking me, why am I sharing Jesus to you? Why don't you just keep all of it for yourself?
The answer is simple, even you know it.

Good things must be shared!

So, will you make your choice today? :)

Obedience.

So not easy to be obedient to God.
Choices, choices..
In the end, I chose God.
Breaks my heart to do so though.
And here I thought I finally found it, after all the past experiences..
With all my heart I want to go forward, but I guess it's against God's will?
And this time it's myself that chose to break my own heart, to follow God.
To distance myself from these feelings and .. Sigh.

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I can only hope and pray that in the future, God will make a way..
To do things that I can't even imagine.
For He knows best.

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This sacrifice is made, through obedience, to You.

After so many heartaches, it still hurts as much as it did the first time.