I wonder.

"I really enjoy spending time with you, even if we're just going to be sitting around and talking about nothing. There are a million things I love about you, like your nose or the way you smile, the way you look me in the eye, too. And I just get the greatest feeling when I make you laugh. I feel as if my company makes you happy, and that's what I wish for you. For you to be happy. And when I see you laugh at my clumsy ways, it just makes me want to spend the rest of my life with you so I can see a smile on your face.You've given me reasons to smile, and good times to laugh about, but most of all you've given me memories I could never forget. I just want to hold your hand, and maybe listen to stories about your childhood, or what you think of at the end of the day when you're all alone in bed. I am just happy near you."

It would never be the same again.

“I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we’re great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can’t, I can’t look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can’t talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are."

(idareyoutoclickthis.tumblr.com)

Oh why do I always appear at the wrong time? Each and every time.
I wonder.

Sigh.

Feeling.. I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore.

This time, I'm really, really, just gonna leave the pieces there.
No more picking them up.

Breakdown.

Oh God it hurts. It hurts. So. So. Much.

It hurts when I'm with you. It hurts when I'm not with you.
Things that you do that hurt me.
It hurts so much more just because I can't say it out.
I have to just swallow it and move on.
Yet it is not your fault, as you do not know because I couldn't tell.
And I always had to act like everything is fine.
I wish I could tell, so you could understand my actions.
But I can't. I just, can't. It's not hard to tell you.
But that's the reason why it's so hard keeping it from you.
From what other people see, I shouldn't be hurt by the things you do, considering my position.
But nobody knows what is really going on inside.
The things I wish I could tell you.
From an outsider's view, I would just look like a fool, getting upset and emo suddenly, over nothing.
The secrets inside of me, feels like being stuffed into a cage that doesn't even fit. It's suffocating. Yearning for them to come out, with all my heart.
And even if it manages to come out, it cannot find it's rightful owner.
I'm tired of fighting with myself. There will be no winner, only endless fighting and struggling.
The sorrow that I feel, it's getting too much. It keeps on increasing.
It's affecting my life. Everything in my life.
I don't want to feel sad when I go to bed every night.
I don't want to cry when I'm alone, at night, on my bed, anymore. I'm not afraid to admit that I do, I do, because I love you.
I want to keep a distance from you because I know I might get hurt, but I can't, because I've fallen for you.
It's been broken time and time again. Into so many pieces.
Maybe I shouldn't pick up the pieces and hand it to another person anymore.
Maybe I should just leave the pieces there, and move on, with nothing anymore in my hands.
Then I wouldn't have anything anymore to give.
I do not mind posting this, because I don't wanna keep it all inside anymore.
I don't care what others will say or think about this anymore.
I don't want to hide my feelings anymore.

- 2 Corinthians 6:14 -
Sigh.

God. It really, really hurts.

Wrong.

I always happen to end up appearing at the wrong time. Sigh.

The pain is still there, with or without you.

He..

He loves me.
He heals me, on the inside and outside.
He protects me.
He watches over me.
He saved me.
He died for me.
He guides and helps me in my everyday life, in everything I do.
He helps me in my studies.
He gives me comfort when I'm down.
He gives me peace and surpasses all understanding.
He gives me wisdom to overcome all the problems I encounter.
He teaches me the right things to do.
He's with me wherever I go.
He provides for all my needs.
He is my strength and courage.
He gives me grace sufficient for every day.
He blesses me so much, that if I had one cent for every blessing I received, I would be a billionaire by now.
He has given me eternal life through the death and resurrection of Jesus.
..

-----------------------------------------------------------

And the list goes on..

Thanks to Him, everything's good :)

God can do all these things for you too.
He's just waiting at your door, waiting for you to open the door for him to enter in.

So if you're asking me, why am I sharing Jesus to you? Why don't you just keep all of it for yourself?
The answer is simple, even you know it.

Good things must be shared!

So, will you make your choice today? :)

Obedience.

So not easy to be obedient to God.
Choices, choices..
In the end, I chose God.
Breaks my heart to do so though.
And here I thought I finally found it, after all the past experiences..
With all my heart I want to go forward, but I guess it's against God's will?
And this time it's myself that chose to break my own heart, to follow God.
To distance myself from these feelings and .. Sigh.

-------------------------------

I can only hope and pray that in the future, God will make a way..
To do things that I can't even imagine.
For He knows best.

-------------------------------

This sacrifice is made, through obedience, to You.

After so many heartaches, it still hurts as much as it did the first time.

Wait.

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

---------------

An old song.

Look. Live. Learn. Love.

I want to look to Jesus.
I want to live a life full of God.
I want to learn more and more about You.
I want to love, just like how You love me.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15: 13

...

Could you help me to do that, God, pretty please?

"In patience I shall wait, upon You, and you."

Two Zero One Zero.

Year 2010.
Resolution?

To not have any resolutions.

Don't see the point of having resolutions. 'Cos it's always better to improve and make one or few targets every day instead of making one long list of stuff you'll probably break and not do for the rest of the year.

--------------------

Learned something today, or rather, for the past year.

That I'm not good enough.
I try, but in vain.
Time, energy, effort, tears, prayers.
Waste of effort, I'll say.

--------------------

Throughout the previous year:

The backup guy.
Unappreciated.

People come find me only when shit happens :)
Or when they need something done.

Despite everything I do, it still seems like I'm a disgrace to be mentioned.
Compared to people to who do nothing :)

People keep saying I don't understand.
Well, don't tell me anything if you think I won't understand.
Don't tell me anything if you think I can't help in any way.
It's even better for me, 'cos that leaves me with more free brain space to deal with my own problems, a very big thank you.
And don't say you understand when you still do things that a person that doesn't understand does, because that's the same as not understanding at all.

--------------------

On the spiritual side,
I wouldn't say anything about first half of the year.
It's easy to serve and do things for God when you're all fired up for God after a church camp.
To be able to serve God, the same way, when you're feeling dry and low, is the real test.
The second half of the year's been a time of testing, I'll say.
It wasn't a smooth road all the way. There were bumps and potholes.
However, God has been a good teacher.
All the things I've went through taught me many valuable lessons :)
And of course, for the many small and seemingly insignificant blessings throughout the year that I've ignored or missed out on, thank you God :)

--------------------

2010.

All I can do is I pray that it would a good year.
Don't attempt to be 'good enough'.
Never expect anything from other people or hope in another person, 'cos I'll have my hopes dashed every time I do so.

Mmmmmm, 2010 :)

Reason for the Season

Funny how Christmas revolves all around Santa, presents, going clubbing, throwing parties all night long, having fun with people, etc nowadays. Of course, it's a time to rejoice and be merry, but they're being merry for different kinds of reasons, some treat it like a day off from work to relax, some treat it as an excuse to go clubbing(for those that need an excuse to), etc.

Wonder why it's called Christmas and not Santamas, pubclubbingboozemas, funmas or whatevermas(I'll stop here, I know it's getting lame)?

'Cos Christmas is to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. The guy who saved us by dying for us.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." - John 3:16

Sounds cheesy?

Well, can you find anyone right now that will give up his/her life to die slowly and painfully just for your sake so that you will not perish? And oh yeah, add in the fact that before that person died for you, you hated him/her and were actually doing things that were hurting his/her heart very much.

The greatest present anyone for Christmas isn't that car they've been wanting for years. Neither is that shirt or dress that they had their eyes on for a long time.
The greatest present anyone can have for Christmas has already been given to all of us, 2000 years ago. And that's Jesus Christ. The guy who, out of love, died for you and me, so that we may live.

And talking about love, the world has a funny way of twisting it.
Real love is NOT
- lust
- ONLY romance(relationships need romance, but romance isn't love)
- infatuation
- sex
- conditional(there's no 'if')
- expectant

Out of love, we were given a gift. A gift of salvation.
And since everybody likes gifts..

Will you accept His gift today?

Random.

Got this from a book.

"When you lose something precious, it is not lost. You're just merely passing it on to others."

I guess I've passed on many things to others, huh?

Sigh.

Lappie and TV.

MW2 and L4D2 on TV :D

Nostalgia.

Walked home alone after Pengajian Malaysia yesterday. Took the more scenic route, the Westlake route, although it's a slightly longer compared to taking the KTAR route.

Didn't regret it though. What I saw as I walked beside the lake made it worthwhile.

"Family."

Dad is fishing, mom is chatting with another mom, while their son kept himself amused by just looking into the bucket which contained the fishes his dad just fished up.

"I used to do that too, when my dad fished at the fishing ponds."

Parents taking pictures with their children with the lake as the background.

"I used to do that too, with my family when we went on holidays."

An old man pushing his wife, who was sitting on a wheel chair, along the pavement. Taking in the scenery and just simply enjoying each other's presence.

"Pak tau tou lou? I hope I could be like that too, in the future."

Brings back many childhood memories. When things weren't so complicated.

I missed the days..

.. when even small things could put a smile on my face.
"Ain't so easy now."

.. when I would play badminton with my brother on the road in front of my house, despite of the strong winds, having loads of simple fun in the process.
"Non-existent now."

.. when the whole family would just sit down to watch television at night.
"No more TV time now."

.. when I would actually get excited when my birthday was around the corner.
"Now it's just another day of the 365 days of the year."

.. when all I worry about was the homework that was due tomorrow.
"A lot more than that now."

.. there's a lot more. But that would take ages to list out.
Ahh.. Nostalgia =/

Written with an unclear mind.

"Boredom in class."

Ey to Tze of the past week:
Allergy.
Boredom.
COD.
Dreams.
Eagerness.
Fakers.
Ghany.
Hot.
iPhone.
Jokes.
Karaoke.
Late.
Maxis.
Noobs.
Owned.
Pictures.
Quality.
Reading.
Smiles.
Tiredness.
UTAR.
Video.
Walking.
Xi Jie.
Yawning.
ZzZzZz.

Experiencing many feelings at the same time.
Feeling worn out. Sigh.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
- Matthew 11:28

First Day of Short Sem.

Basic Professional Writing Class #1

"Please do not use plastic covers, comb binding, tape binding, etc on your assignment. Just staple them on the top left corner."

But why? Wouldn't it be neater if we did the binding and covers, etc?

"We're going green. No plastic please."

-_______________-

"If you all don't like this course and me, please drop it."

Of course I don't like you, you're too old for me.

-_______________-

"Oh yeah, I already posted your assignment today. You can start doing it early. See, I'm so good, giving you guys plenty amount of time to do it. The assignment requires you all to write a memo about... *bla bla*... And I'm going to teach you all how to write a memo NEXT week. But you guys can start doing your assignment THIS week, since I've posted it in the web."

-______________-

"Please be professional, this is basic PROFESSIONAL writing."

Oh jeez -_____________-

'Nother Night Out.

I haven't been blogging about these kind of stuff for a long time now. Haha.

Makan kat Food and Tea. Two guys only. Feel damn gay. Ugh -__- The other people only coming for the movie.

Stuff you can find on the dinner table :



Drinks



Shinchan Comic Books(Don't ask me why)

No pictures of the food. 'Cos when we saw it we finished it before we can even remember taking pictures.

Movie was at 9pm. Marx called Yee Kheng at 8.45pm. Saying that his car keys were in Yee Kheng's other car. Which was in Yee Kheng's house. Which is somewhere near Ipoh Swimming Club. Yee Kheng had to rush back from Jusco to his house, pass the keys to Marx in Greentown and rush back to Jusco to catch the movie in time. Haha.



See his face and you'll know that he's in a real hurry. Haha. He turned from Maxis Supervisor to a Pengganas Jalan Raya. LOL

Here's the video of Yee Kheng during (a part of)the journey:




He was all fidgety along the way. Haha. Laughing, chewing chewing gum, switching the lights from low beam to high beam at a frequency of 5~10 times per second, cutting cars, moving through the city with alot of cars at 100~120km/h, screwing every car driver(there were many alright) that slowed him down. And, we just finished our dinner like 1 minute before the ride. Didn't even finish the drinks. Only finished the food. LOL. With background music :D

Was late for the movie for about 5~10 minutes? Watched Sorority Row, with Yee Kheng, Jocelyn and Aaron. Vil Sern said it was awesome bla bla but I think the movie's storyline was pretty much, well, meaningless. First, one girl gets killed accidentally, then some guy who's not really related to that incident go on a killing spree 8 months later on the people who killed the girl and the people they told about it. Don't get the point. Oh well.

Went Kopitiam with Yee Kheng and Jia Yee after that. Budak-budak yang mou liu. Walked half a round Padang Ipoh. Went to McD after that but it was closed. Closed. Yeah. 24 hours McD drive-thru was closed. Weird >.>

Went on a song singing spree in the car. Don't know why. Still a bit whacked up in the head(and the stomache) after that crazy ride on Yee Kheng's car.

HorlickDays.

Holidays. Sounds exciting, but once you get there it ain't so exciting anymore.

Was so looking forward to the holidays during my exams but now I found out I got nothing to do in the holidays.

UTAR's 'interesting' dates for exams and holidays. My holidays = All my other friends' exam time.

Kawan tarak,
Kaki tarak,
Nak buat apa?

Not looking forward to going back to UTAR though. I prefer the boringness of holidays rather than the busyness of rushing assignments every day and night.

Sigh -__________-
..
..

Sape mau lepak? :DD

---------------

On a side note, someone *sapelagiONGVILSERNlaandnoimNOToffendedHAHAHA* says that I look like I'm half dead/emo/down or something all the time. Hmm. I guess I gotta keep that smile on my face the whole day. Till my face cramps up.
Which really happened today. Was bored and sleepy. I yawned so many times I had a chin cramp. Wth -_____-

Leaving something behind.

Funny how it takes me a non-Christian "love" Chinese song to make me think about God.

This song : 如果我變成回憶 - Ru Guo Bian Cheng Hui Yi
(If I Became a Memory)

累了 照慣例努力清醒著 也照慣例想妳了
好怕一放心睡了 心跳在夢中不聽話的 就停止了
聽著 呼吸像浪潮拍動著 越美麗越讓我忐忑
我還能珍惜什麼 如果我連自己的脈搏 都難掌握
如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
留下妳錯愕哭泣 我冰冷身體 擁抱不了妳
想到我讓深愛的妳 人海孤獨旅行
我會恨自己 如此狠心
如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
沒機會白著頭髮 蹣跚牽著妳 看晚霞落盡
漫長時光 總有一天 妳會傷心痊癒
若有人可以 讓他陪妳 我不怪妳
快樂 什麼時候會結束呢 哪一刻是最後一刻
想把妳緊緊抱著 可知妳是我生命中的 最捨不得
如果我變成回憶 退出了這場生命
留下妳錯愕哭泣 我冰冷身體 擁抱不了妳
想到我讓深愛的妳 人海孤獨旅行
我會恨自己 如此狠心
如果我變成回憶 終於沒那麼幸運
沒機會白著頭髮 蹣跚牽著妳 看晚霞落盡
漫長時光 總有一天 妳會傷心痊癒
若有人可以 讓他陪妳 我不怪妳
如果我變成回憶 最怕我太不爭氣
頑固地賴在空氣 霸佔妳心裡 每一吋縫隙
連累依然愛我的妳 痛苦承受失去
這樣不公平 請妳盡力 把我忘記

The meaning of the lyrics got nothing to do with God, though.
But, the title, made me think.
"If I became a memory."
Well, the meaning of it, to me, doesn't only mean that when you become a memory, you're dead.
You're also a memory of the people whom you've met in your life, but you may or may not have the chance to see them again.

Well, if I became someone else's memory, I would want to be remembered for something I did or was, right? Not to remembered as someone who's a nobody.
What better thing to be remembered for other than being a Christian?
I want to leave an impact, at least something, in the hearts of the people I meet.
Even if I never manage to bring any of people I meet to Christ, at least, I want to leave something behind.
Maybe one day, when our paths are separated, when they see a church, or Christians, they'll remember me, 'that guy who stood out for Christ'. (this came from someone who's close (: )

..
Which..
..
I don't think I've been doing whole-heartedly. Sure, people around me know that I'm a Christian, but, that's all?
This song, somehow, in a way, encouraged me to really put my heart into it when I'm serving God.
To go the extra mile. To show the difference of having tasted God's love.

If I became a memory, I want to leave something behind.
A good memory, 'that guy who stood out for Christ'.

Please put appropriate title here.

Oreo cookies for dinner..

This is just getting more pathetic -__-

Speechless

- On MSN -
Kin Meng: What's that?
Me: What's what?
Kin Meng: That black thing you displaying.
Me: What? You mean my display picture?
Kin Meng: Yeah.
Me: That's my hair -__-
Kin Meng: Oh.. Hahahaha.


-_______________-??

McPwnt.

-On the road, dad driving-

Me: Eh come let's go to McD drive thru to get ice cream!
Brother: Noooooo don't wanna goooo..
Dad: Huh? Really one ar?
Mom: Let's go!
Brother: Nooo..

-In McD drive thru-

Me: I want a Chocotop sundae.
Mom: Me too.
Me: Dad help us order 2 Chocotop sundaes please.
Dad: I ain't ordering! You order.
Me: -__- Fine.

-In front of the place where you order-

McD Staff: HellowelcometoMcDonaldsmayItakeyourorder?
Brother:(at the speed of 2-3 Chocotops per second)CHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCO-
Me: 2 Chocotop *CHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOP* sundaes please.
McD Staff: Huh?
*brother shuts up*
Me: 2 Chocotop sundaes.
McD Staff: Ohh 2 Chocotop sundaes.. Tadi aku dengar CHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOPCHOCOTOP..
*everybody in the car laughs*

-At the counter where you pay-

McD Staff: RM 2.10 please.
Me: Huh?
Dad: RM 2.10? Kita order 2 Chocotop mana boleh RM 2.10.
McD Staff: Ohh. Sorry dengar silap. RM 3.60.
Dad: *pays the guy*
Mom: REMEMBER AH WE WANT 2 CHOKLOTOPS! CHOKLOTOPS!
Me & Brother: Mom, I think he already got the message -__-

-At the counter where you get your food-

McD Staff #2: *hands the sundaes to my dad*
Dad: Ehhh why one sundae big one sundae small one?! Woi.. What is this??
McD Staff #2: *shakes with uncontrollable laughter*
Me & Brother: Dad just take the ice cream and let's gooooooooooooooo.............. -___-
Dad: Cannot!! Why one big one small?!
McD Staff #2: Uh.. *still laughing*
Me & Brother & Mom: Just DRIVE!
Dad: Okok....... *drives off*
Me: *phew*
Dad: Idon'tknowwhyMcDsocheapskateonethesundaesonebigonesmall whatisthissomemoretheychargeextra70centsforthechocotopsoexpensiveIdon't knowwhyyouallliketoeattheicecreamnexttimedon'tcomeMcDanymore

Lesson learned: Don't bring my family to McD drive-thru anymore -____-